Wow. I hadn’t realised its been 2 months since my last post. Again, a sort of stumble through the fog. September saw me turning 30, my ‘geneversary’ and the start of my support from Macmillan.
On the days leading up to the 1 year anniversary of finding out about my BRCA mutation, or my ‘geneversary’ as I call it, I started to reflect on the time that had passed. I remembered how I felt when I was looking from the start of my journey, comparing then to now. All the questions, fears, tears and tantrums. I also took a minute to reflect on the people in my life both then and now. It’s a funny thing. People you don’t expect reach out towards you, and some you thought would be by your side, drift away. It’s actually been a bit of a blessing in disguise, cleansing out negative relationships and welcoming in positive ones.
Macmillan have been a huge support in recent months. Initially anxious, I now find it a haven of peace. A safe place. Almost every week I have a little hour of relaxation, whether it’s reflexology or massage. It’s just that little bit of time that helps me to stay grounded. I met my counsellor, Maggie, 4 weeks ago and have been seeing her weekly. I’m immensely grateful to have been put in touch with Macmillan as they have been a HUGE support. I’m learning to be kind to myself and accept that there will always be tough days, but that’s OK. So instead of fighting against it, I’m just gonna have to ride this one out. I definitely see that my lesson from all of this is patience. Not only patience to allow myself to recover, physically and emotionally, but also patience to slow down, take a breath and just see.
Went back to see Prof on 21st of September who confirmed that my ‘highly strung’ right foob will need revision surgery. The initial pocket made during my mastectomy isn’t big enough and as a result it sits a lot higher than the left side and it’s quite uncomfortable a lot of the time. So I’m due back in on 19th of January for revision with bilateral lipomodelling. The thought of more surgery at the moment scares the shit out of me to be honest, but at the same time, I feel a little bit closer towards the end of this journey (At least the surgical part anyway).
After one of my BRCA sisters had her oophorectomy, it’s really made me focus my attention on obtaining as much information as possible about my impending surgical menopause. I’m literally all over the place at the moment so the thought of surgically inducing me into menopause is only gonna have one of two outcomes…. either it helps me calm my inner psycho and balances me out or it’ll make me batshit crazy. I’m praying it’s not the latter. So, I asked my GP to put in a referral to the menopause clinic and have an appointment with them next week, and I’m also waiting on my gynae’s secretary calling me back to bring my May 2017 appointment forwards, to discuss all the options in-depth.
I’m beginning to feel like I’m taking back a little bit of control. Enough control to be able to have ‘a plan’. Now, I’m not too bothered if things don’t go exactly as planned but just as long as its there, I feel like I’m on it. I went back to work on Thursday and although I was exhausted after an hour, I felt really comfortable being there. I’m phasing back over the next 4 weeks and I’ve been offered a place on a Maggie’s course entitled ‘Living with Stress’ starting next Friday. So really, I’m hoping to have achieved some level of enlightenment by the new year 😉 On another positive note, I haven’t worn make up for over two months (apart from maybe 3 times) and I’ve actually learned to like myself without it. I don’t feel like I need it to feel comfortable and its given me confidence where I always had insecurity. Quite empowering really.
I’m actually beginning to feel a little bit more like ‘me’ again, like my little inner warrior is starting to grow, and do you know what? I quite like it.
It feels good to be back.